Some Friend

Carter's only seen me upset once. Said it scared him, reminded him of his dad. A quiet calm. I wish he could see me now. I qish he were here. Someone I used to call a best friend told me to kill myself tonight. Called me a two-faced hypocritical bitch. All because I reblogged a bring me the horizon quote. A while ago she said "No wonder your mom hates you. Holy shit bitch." I just kept thinking "but a real friend wouldn't do that" and I just kind of kept my distance. she decided to blame this on carter. He had nothing to do with it. But apparantly boycrazy and a shitty friend. All I talk about is carter and my parents and nobody wants to hear my annoying white girl problems. My parents already make me feel worthless but I guess she felt the need to join in. I get it already. I'm not good enough I FUCKING KNOW. I NEVER WILL BE OKAY I FUCKING GET IT.
. I get it. I'm

Summerrrrrr

Today was just amazing(: Went to Addies softball game, started lightning so me & Cart went in their car for the 20 minutes. Played canadian indie music, which was funny cuz I actually knew the songs!!! & he kept changing it sio we were like wrestling over the radio, also hilarious((: I met the kids he babysits for, they were adorable!! He works 10 out of the 14 days in the next 2 weeks :( After we went to get ice cream with nick, brian and janelle(: That was fun! Then we were just hanging out in his room and we got in a tickle fight ahaha it was so much fun((:

Late Night Thoughts

Keagan snapchatted me tonight. It was like a picture of his basement, idk why. I don't know why but he interests me. By that, I'm mean he's fascinating, I have absolutely, positively no interest in dating him. I love Carter so much, thats a frightning thought of dating Keagan. But I find him interesting. I don't understand the type of person that could leave with just 2 words. I don't understand how he could lie to me about that night. How I tricked myself into thinking he was great. I'm interested in what the hell I saw in him. I really don't get it.

You know what? I think I've finally realized something. I think I miss everyone because the way things end are never resolved. They're not nice endings with all the loose strings tied up, like in the books I read. They leave things unsaid. They leave me wondering what the hell the other person was thinking. Did they finally get sick of me? What was the final straw? Was it my messy hair? My wheezy laugh? My stupid jokes? Did all the things they thought were adorable months ago suddenly become annoying? Or was it me that got annoying, just all of me?

And you know what? This scares me. Whens Carter gonna get annoyed? What will be his last straw? He says that will never happen but nothing golden stays.

And thats a god damn shame.

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

I don't wanna be old. I don't wanna grow up. I hate this. I hate this so much. Maybe I'm overthinking, but you know what? I don't think I am. I went to a grad party tonight. Stayed for a bonfire. It was fun, kinda. Except they're all idiots. Every single one of them. They talked about drugs, smoking, drinking, all of it right in front of me as if it's nothing. As if this is a totally acceptable thing to do. And you know what? ITS REALLY FUCKING NOT. It's not okay. My god, somebody help these kids. You know the worst part? The one person I never would have ever thought would do pot, apparantly does. I look up to her so much, god it sucks. They told me "Sluts arn't people.". I about punched somebody. They talked about this one girl, she's apparantly a "slut". GOD I HATE THAT WORD. What if she's just like me? What if she's just lost? Misunderstood? Alone? Scared? What if when she's with someone that's the only time she feels wanted? Not useless for once, maybe even good enough. Just for a little. It's not okay, but god, what I would do to feel like that for even just a few minutes. Fuck, they were chewing tobacco right in front of me. He kissed his fucking girlfriend with it, thats absolutely disgusting. I'd slap Carter for that. I don't want it near me. I'll admit it. It scares me, okay? It really fucking scares me. I don't know how Kyle made it 4 years dealing with this shit. I don't know if I'm that strong. Oh, I hope to god I am, but I just don't know. Can't people just drink a lot of mountain dew? Remember those days? I do. I miss them, oh god oh god I don't want to grow up. I don't wanna go to high school. I don't want to see my classmates get pregnant. I don't wanna see them get "fucked up", "smashed", "gone". I wanna live under my rock, stay sheltered. I want to be better than all this. I don't wanna grow up.

Thoughts

In that moment his face was lit with passion and it seemed as though he was thinking of absolutely nothing else. His eyes cast downward, eyelashes splayed against his cheek. As his fingers glide across the keys, I can only think thoughts of him. How much convincing it took to get him to play, his laugh as I call him out on his procrastination with irrelavent things. It's everything, just everything, about him that I find so irrisistably beautiful. My words will never hold the power to explain just exactly how I feel, no matter how hard I'm wishing they could as I scrawl them across the lines in hopes of one day remembering this. I hope I never forget how it feels to be wrapped in his arms without a single care, what its like to have moments where I'm fullheartedly content because I feel as though I may never have this again.

HVL & Sinister

We had the biggest meet of the season yesterday! Ran a 2:40, compared to last year... Thats HORRIBLE. But for this year its a pr! I'll be running the JH HVL meet this thursday, we'll see how that goes! I'm thinking I'll win cuz the fastest time I've seen so far was a 2:45! But anyway, the varsity one was just... Interesting... Within 20 minutes there was an ambulence there & a 20,000 dollar broken camera. The timing dude got smacked with a tent! Bleeding hand & a dislocated shoulder or something! It was due to the 25 freakin mph winds! Yeah, I ran in that!!!! It was FREEZING. Which actually ended up being ok cuz Cart was there & I got to cuddle with him, well, for the entire meet!(; It hailed, rained, sleeted & was sunny, weirdest thing ever! Grandma came & watched! She met Carter & said he seems like a nice fellow bahaha(: After my 800 I was EXHAUSTED so I just laid on the turf, then Cart laid next to me so we cuddled even more((: This chick accidently sprayed me with her water ahaha, it was hilarious(: I wanted him to kiss me so bad!! It woulda been perfect! I kinda kissed him on the cheek though(: We literally held hands the entire time, Cart likes to hold my hand all weird, it's hilarious(: I went to say "I don't like holding your hand eith my left hand" but he thought I said I don't like holding your hand!!! Ahaha it was hilarious! He always says things on accident & thinks I'm gonna get super offended (I never do though) and then he feels so bad, it's adorable! He kept accidently hitting my butt (I swear, they really were accidents HA) and he was like "Okay, I swear to god I'm not trying to! You probably think I'm some creepy pervert!", so funny!(: It was hilarious cuz hes just the wiggliest person I've ever met so I kept making fun of him for it(: Miller said he was really impressed with my race, I ran a 1:12 split! That was pretty cool too! The meet ran late, until 6:30, and I stayed the whole time & got a ride home with Cart. We celebrated mothers day/kyles birthday with my grandma & grandpa, we had that super good ice cream thing auntie lynne makes!(: Then I went to Carts to watch Sinister which I was SOOOO excited to see but it was a total dissapointment! Didnt scare me at all! The only scary part was when Nick snuck up the stairs & screamed, then I screamed and punched myself in the face... XD I laughed really hard though ahaha!(: I met his gf for the first time & I FEEL HORRIBLE. She has a lisp and I just wasnt really expecting it and I started laughing and she knew it was about that... Now it's my mission to get her to like me because I just feel so bad and that was the shittiest first impression ever! But I got to cuddle with Cart more during the movie!(: He kept tickling my leg (I'm crazy ticklish) and I would burst out laughing then he was like "I love your laugh" which was pretty much just the cutest thing ever. <3 And earlier he had also told me he loves holding my hand & that my hair is beautiful hehe((: I was like laying on his chest, listening to his heart beat and he was playing with my hair, which like gave me chills! It was the best feeling ever haha I could have stayed there forever, I was perfectly content. I got to spend like all day with him & it was just the most amazing thing ever, I'm so in love with him it's ridiculous. 

The New Me

Have you ever seen those girls holding hands with their boyfriend, or maybe wrapped in his arms? The ones that just look completely happy, like they don't have a care in the world? Have you ever wanted to be them just so incredibly bad but could never see that being you?

I have.

But the weird thing is, that IS me now.

Like, I wonder what I would think of myself if I saw me with Carter. Actually, I already know what I'd be thinking. "I want a relationship like that, I could never imagine that being me though..." But I honestly believe that could be anyone as long as theyre with the right person, I really do.