Lonely

Damn, it's just been one of those days. I had a great day until after practice. Slept in, soccer went great! Had some amazing shots, got 3rd in World Cup, it was great! Then i see that my "bestfriends" didnt invite me to hang out with them...cool. Then I get home and ask Jessie if she possibly wants to have a sleepover and my parents decided to be douchebags and wouldn't give me a 2 minute ride to her place and she gets mad at ME. Like, what the hell?! And then she's starts making bitchy comments and telling me all the shit her parents say and I'm just pissed so I was just like "I'm really not in the mood for bitchy comments right now..." And then she's mad because her parents plan their days around me (WTF?!) and that i make half ass plans ALL THE TIME. (Yeah... No) And that I'm being get this... MEAN. I'm sorry, but is there something fucking wrong with you?! I'm mean because I don't want her to tell me all the shit her parents say about me? Yup, I'm cruel. GOSHH.

I just feel kinda lonely lately I guess. Olivia's been hanging out with mikki and is a totally different person, Christy argues EVERYTHING I say, Jessie, well you know what she's been doing, and I guess I don't really hang out with my other friends. Then just to fuck up my life even more, I've been seeing my ex-boyfriend almost everyday and it's just making me really miss him. *sigh* The struggle is real guys, the struggle is real.

Fuck You.

Right now, I'd like to beat you with a fucking chair. Repeatedly.

Seriously, fuck you. Fuck you for making me feel this way. For making me feel used and like this was all pretend. You bastard. Fuck you for making me feel worthless. You never text me anymore. Yeah, that's cool... I'm always the one making an effort to talk to you. And now I find out you've been telling me the same exact shit you told her? At least you made me feel special for a while. I feel like when you couldn't get her back you decided you wanted me. I'm no second choice. I have so much more self respect than her. I deserve so much more. I will not have "love" if it doesn't come with respect. Yet, I still won't dump you. I know that, I'm too forgiving of a person. I did it with Jessie and ill sure as hell do it with you. Sometimes I hate being nice. God, I can do so much better than you. By tomorrow I prolly will be completely and hopelessly in love again but for now I'm just gonna keep on listening to Ron Pope and rant about shit on the Internet. You know what? It's decided. I'm not gonna make a single effort to talk to you tomorrow. Not one! I will not text you first. I will not walk up to you and start a conversation. Nope, and if there's a single lull in the conversation so help me I will sit on my phone and start texting. JUST. LIKE. YOU. Honestly, I just wanna see if you notice. Hell, I just wanna see if you care. You probably won't...

Notice any resemblance? Grrr....

You Just Don't Get it...

I don't think you understand, not in the least. You don't get how much I like you. You just don't understand how you make me feel. How when I'm around you I'm different. How nervous you make me, I think I make you nervous too. You were helping me on a project one day and you were shaking. You said you always shake but I know that's a lie. I hope that means you like me in the same way I like you. And now we're dating. The first week and a half you were perfect. I couldn't ask for a more amazing boyfriend. Its middle school and relationships are nothing like real-world ones here but this is slightly ridiculous. You havn't complimented me in days, and I don't mean to sound like an attention whore but that's just not normal for you. You didn't text me all weekend because you were hunting...But you texted Markayla. I get jealous sometimes but that's because I'm so afraid to lose you. I feel like your just so out of my league. Wow thats cliche, but its true. Your one of the most popular guys in your grade and I kind of hang out with the losers of mine. I know that sounds horrible, but its true and I love those losers to death, but I still worry how it affects my reputation. Unlike Allee who's one of the most popular in her grade. I know I'm more liked than her, I'm popular in that way I guess but its not the same. Sometimes you bring her up and it pisses me off. You know I don't like her and would rather not talk about her. Mixed signals should be illegal, and by that law you should be prosecuted and sent to jail because you send the worst mixed signals I've ever seen.You don't understand how this makes me feel. Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell myself what I was getting into before I fell for you. Your so amazing but then your just...not. You insult me, but then say your kidding 10 minutes later. I wouldn't know that though because you never show any hints of humor. I used to love texting you but now you kind of piss me off. Guess who always has to text you first. You are so much fun to talk to in person but you occasionally ignore me and just screw around with your friends. God, I sound clingy but I dont mean it like that. I just hate to be ignored. I know you'll never see this. I hope you don't anyway. I wish I could find a way to tell you all this without sounding like a bitch. I doubt you'd understand. I just hope you get that I am NOT Allee, I will not put up with bullshit. I'm afraid that you'll start liking someone else. It happened with Carter and I bet it'll happen with you. I miss the old us. How you'd tell me you love me because of who I am and how beautiful I am inside and most defiantly on outside. I love you so much. If you read this and you only remember one thing I need it to be this. I love you so much it scares me because the last time I felt this way that dumb ass broke my heart and I can see it happening again. Can you comprehend how you just turned one of the most confident girls into a sloppy pile of mushy insecurities? Maybe I just miss the old me. Do you understand that? I really hope so...

My Brains All Mushy...

My brains all mushy... All thanks to you J! Im just so confused, I dont know how i feel anymore. But I'll explain my day to you, and all my isane mood swings. God, boys are so much trouble! But it's so worth it(;

So today I kinda decided I need to move on, this was just getting ridiculous. And I have recently started to think this one kids really cute!(: I started thinking this cuz J never texts me 1st anymore, and honestly, he doesn't even make that many efforts to talk to me. I was pretty pissed about the whole thing today. I was just kinda done with all this drama shit cause its not worth it and honestly I didn't even think he liked me anymore. :(

BUT THEN... I was just chillen on Facebook and wasting time.(: And I see he posted a like for a rate thing. And honestly, I hate these things. They're just horrible. Likd who are you to judge me and put me on a number scale?! People are bound to get offended and it just promotes comparing yourself to others. Sorry, I could probably rant about this for days! Haha(: But anyways, how could I resist? This was a perfect chance to see if he still liked me. So I liked it. A couple minutes later I see he posted on my wall. IT WAS A 10.5!! HOLY SHIT, right?!? He rated me higher than the two most popular and hot girls in our school!! Like no that's crazy! I love how I look and I'm like 100% confer able with myself. But honestly? I'm no where near as pretty as these girls. On the inside, WAY PRETTIER, but I pretty much go to a school full of friggen models. It's so not fair! Haha his girlfriend was so incredibly pissed! Ahaha I feel amazing. It's an incredible feeling, knowing they person you've drooled all about for the past 2 months likes you! So yeah I'm feeling pretty good!(:

Also this is me!(: haha just felt like sharing a pic.

Missing You

Sometimes I start to really miss you. Then I wonder why, after all you broke my heart. And after a while its because I realize you made me the happiest anyone ever has. I don't think I've ever frowned while you were by my side. I miss that bliss. I want my happiness back. I want you back. But ever since that night, you've been an entirely different person. I miss the old you, the one who could melt my heart with that crooked grin and who would make me laugh so hard I'd cry. I was starting to think I was over you, just like I'd been telling people I was. They all think I hate you, that I was gonna break up with you anyway. What they don't realize is that I'd have never dumped you. Who willingly throws away their happiness? But I think I'm just afraid. Afraid, that when spring comes around I'll fall all over again, but this time you won't catch me. I miss the old you who would catch me, who'd lay next to me in the grass and just talk about the most ridiculous things. The you who would dance in the rain and make dinosaur sounds with your toes. I miss all your silliness and how you'd do anything to make me laugh. I re-read some of our texts and I'd almost forgotten about that you, the one who called me beautiful and came up with the most witty complements. But you've changed and I could wish all day long otherwise but it wouldn't change a thing, your still a cheater and I'm still hurt. It's pathetic, really. But all of this is my truth. And I just thought you should know, I still love rain.

Do you?

Confused and in Love...

Alright so I'm not actually in love or anything but I didn't know what else to describe "this". But I'll just spend the majority of this post describing it, so here we go...

It was a Tuesday night, there was no school and I were at the last football game of the season. All in all, it had been an AMAZING night. I got to hang out with my best friend and I got to talk to J all night! And like all my other friends! I'm pretty sure J was even flirting with me... But he still has a girlfriend. He didn't talk to her at all last night and she's planning to break up with him. Because of me. And honestly I fell kinda bad about it even though I don't think I should. Should I? I mean I've never made a move on him, had meaningful physical contact, or even told him I like him. Plus, his girl friend is telling everyone I have "mental issues" and that I have to take like 8 pills a day! I mean I gotta give her props, it's creative! :P But shes also been calling me fat and a whore and things like this, which I'm know I'm not at all any of these things and I'm confident enough not to care but still, not cool. I just don't know how to feel because I also understand where shes coming from, I'd probably be doing the same thing if I was in her position. I'm just kinda starting to think J's not such a great guy anymore but I still really like him. :/ I mean if he treats his girlfriend like this how would he treat me if we go out? I can appreciate that nobody's perfect but maybe I can do better? But I still really, REALLY like him. :/ I'm just really confused about all of it. He's hilarious, and adorable and really nice to me but not to everyone else. I'm sitting here texting him and remembering why I started liking him but then I think of how he totally ignored his girlfriend to talk to me. She even started crying and I just kinda feel like a horrible person. Am I one?

Beauty Tip

So I saw this today and it's just the coolest thing ever!(: I'm not a huge fan of the eyebrow tricks just because I don't do anything to my brows. But I'm in LOVE with the face conturing and eye uses for it! What do you guys think?(:

Sammie