I Really Really Miss You.

I feel pathetic. And I deserve to I guess, I mean it's been half a year and I still can't move on. I thought I did, but I'm back to my old ways. I guess it is true what they say, old habits really do die hard. I just can't seem to forget you. How do you forget someone who gave you so much to remember? It doesn't help I've been seeing you almost everyday lately. I pass you in the halls now, and it's like torture. Seeing you laughing with other girls. I was talking to your best friend and he was joking and said "Oh deep down I bet you still love him," I laughed and told him he was totally wrong. Damn, if only you knew how much of a lie that was. See, I would tell you I miss you but I know it wouldn't mean anything, nothing would change. Hell, you'd probably laugh in my face. I just miss you so much. I miss all of you. How you thought turtles lived in trees, how you complained about everything and everyone. I miss your sarcasm and all your stupid random facts. I miss how you called me Fischer, I miss how you had the best sense if humor. I miss how you were the sweetest guy I've ever met, I miss how you'd tell me stupid things about yourself like how much you despised pinecones as we laid next to each other in the summer grass. How you tell me how much you loved to watch me run because I look like I have such total bliss and how you noticed my use of big words. I miss how you used to make me feel smart, beautiful and just amazing. But the thing I miss by far the most ******, is you. You being mine, spending time with you and making memories. Just you.

Maybe

It's you. It's always been you.

He was just you replacement, I didn't mean for him to be but he was. Which was just a complete and total fail because he made me miss you even more. Maybe it's not even you I miss, maybe it was us, what we were, who I was when I was with you. Honestly, I don't even know. Maybe I just miss all of it. Or is it because you were my first love? Or do I just want you when I'm feeling lonely? Maybe, I don't know. I don't think so but maybe. You have a piece of my heart no one else does. In all that summer bliss, I just got so caught up. You were my entire world for a while there and that was a complete mistake. He never was. He didn't even matter to me all that much. I wasn't even sad when he dumped me, I couldn't even care less. He could never hold a candle to you. I doubt anyone can...

Lonely

Damn, it's just been one of those days. I had a great day until after practice. Slept in, soccer went great! Had some amazing shots, got 3rd in World Cup, it was great! Then i see that my "bestfriends" didnt invite me to hang out with them...cool. Then I get home and ask Jessie if she possibly wants to have a sleepover and my parents decided to be douchebags and wouldn't give me a 2 minute ride to her place and she gets mad at ME. Like, what the hell?! And then she's starts making bitchy comments and telling me all the shit her parents say and I'm just pissed so I was just like "I'm really not in the mood for bitchy comments right now..." And then she's mad because her parents plan their days around me (WTF?!) and that i make half ass plans ALL THE TIME. (Yeah... No) And that I'm being get this... MEAN. I'm sorry, but is there something fucking wrong with you?! I'm mean because I don't want her to tell me all the shit her parents say about me? Yup, I'm cruel. GOSHH.

I just feel kinda lonely lately I guess. Olivia's been hanging out with mikki and is a totally different person, Christy argues EVERYTHING I say, Jessie, well you know what she's been doing, and I guess I don't really hang out with my other friends. Then just to fuck up my life even more, I've been seeing my ex-boyfriend almost everyday and it's just making me really miss him. *sigh* The struggle is real guys, the struggle is real.

Fuck You.

Right now, I'd like to beat you with a fucking chair. Repeatedly.

Seriously, fuck you. Fuck you for making me feel this way. For making me feel used and like this was all pretend. You bastard. Fuck you for making me feel worthless. You never text me anymore. Yeah, that's cool... I'm always the one making an effort to talk to you. And now I find out you've been telling me the same exact shit you told her? At least you made me feel special for a while. I feel like when you couldn't get her back you decided you wanted me. I'm no second choice. I have so much more self respect than her. I deserve so much more. I will not have "love" if it doesn't come with respect. Yet, I still won't dump you. I know that, I'm too forgiving of a person. I did it with Jessie and ill sure as hell do it with you. Sometimes I hate being nice. God, I can do so much better than you. By tomorrow I prolly will be completely and hopelessly in love again but for now I'm just gonna keep on listening to Ron Pope and rant about shit on the Internet. You know what? It's decided. I'm not gonna make a single effort to talk to you tomorrow. Not one! I will not text you first. I will not walk up to you and start a conversation. Nope, and if there's a single lull in the conversation so help me I will sit on my phone and start texting. JUST. LIKE. YOU. Honestly, I just wanna see if you notice. Hell, I just wanna see if you care. You probably won't...

Notice any resemblance? Grrr....

You Just Don't Get it...

I don't think you understand, not in the least. You don't get how much I like you. You just don't understand how you make me feel. How when I'm around you I'm different. How nervous you make me, I think I make you nervous too. You were helping me on a project one day and you were shaking. You said you always shake but I know that's a lie. I hope that means you like me in the same way I like you. And now we're dating. The first week and a half you were perfect. I couldn't ask for a more amazing boyfriend. Its middle school and relationships are nothing like real-world ones here but this is slightly ridiculous. You havn't complimented me in days, and I don't mean to sound like an attention whore but that's just not normal for you. You didn't text me all weekend because you were hunting...But you texted Markayla. I get jealous sometimes but that's because I'm so afraid to lose you. I feel like your just so out of my league. Wow thats cliche, but its true. Your one of the most popular guys in your grade and I kind of hang out with the losers of mine. I know that sounds horrible, but its true and I love those losers to death, but I still worry how it affects my reputation. Unlike Allee who's one of the most popular in her grade. I know I'm more liked than her, I'm popular in that way I guess but its not the same. Sometimes you bring her up and it pisses me off. You know I don't like her and would rather not talk about her. Mixed signals should be illegal, and by that law you should be prosecuted and sent to jail because you send the worst mixed signals I've ever seen.You don't understand how this makes me feel. Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell myself what I was getting into before I fell for you. Your so amazing but then your just...not. You insult me, but then say your kidding 10 minutes later. I wouldn't know that though because you never show any hints of humor. I used to love texting you but now you kind of piss me off. Guess who always has to text you first. You are so much fun to talk to in person but you occasionally ignore me and just screw around with your friends. God, I sound clingy but I dont mean it like that. I just hate to be ignored. I know you'll never see this. I hope you don't anyway. I wish I could find a way to tell you all this without sounding like a bitch. I doubt you'd understand. I just hope you get that I am NOT Allee, I will not put up with bullshit. I'm afraid that you'll start liking someone else. It happened with Carter and I bet it'll happen with you. I miss the old us. How you'd tell me you love me because of who I am and how beautiful I am inside and most defiantly on outside. I love you so much. If you read this and you only remember one thing I need it to be this. I love you so much it scares me because the last time I felt this way that dumb ass broke my heart and I can see it happening again. Can you comprehend how you just turned one of the most confident girls into a sloppy pile of mushy insecurities? Maybe I just miss the old me. Do you understand that? I really hope so...

My Brains All Mushy...

My brains all mushy... All thanks to you J! Im just so confused, I dont know how i feel anymore. But I'll explain my day to you, and all my isane mood swings. God, boys are so much trouble! But it's so worth it(;

So today I kinda decided I need to move on, this was just getting ridiculous. And I have recently started to think this one kids really cute!(: I started thinking this cuz J never texts me 1st anymore, and honestly, he doesn't even make that many efforts to talk to me. I was pretty pissed about the whole thing today. I was just kinda done with all this drama shit cause its not worth it and honestly I didn't even think he liked me anymore. :(

BUT THEN... I was just chillen on Facebook and wasting time.(: And I see he posted a like for a rate thing. And honestly, I hate these things. They're just horrible. Likd who are you to judge me and put me on a number scale?! People are bound to get offended and it just promotes comparing yourself to others. Sorry, I could probably rant about this for days! Haha(: But anyways, how could I resist? This was a perfect chance to see if he still liked me. So I liked it. A couple minutes later I see he posted on my wall. IT WAS A 10.5!! HOLY SHIT, right?!? He rated me higher than the two most popular and hot girls in our school!! Like no that's crazy! I love how I look and I'm like 100% confer able with myself. But honestly? I'm no where near as pretty as these girls. On the inside, WAY PRETTIER, but I pretty much go to a school full of friggen models. It's so not fair! Haha his girlfriend was so incredibly pissed! Ahaha I feel amazing. It's an incredible feeling, knowing they person you've drooled all about for the past 2 months likes you! So yeah I'm feeling pretty good!(:

Also this is me!(: haha just felt like sharing a pic.

Missing You

Sometimes I start to really miss you. Then I wonder why, after all you broke my heart. And after a while its because I realize you made me the happiest anyone ever has. I don't think I've ever frowned while you were by my side. I miss that bliss. I want my happiness back. I want you back. But ever since that night, you've been an entirely different person. I miss the old you, the one who could melt my heart with that crooked grin and who would make me laugh so hard I'd cry. I was starting to think I was over you, just like I'd been telling people I was. They all think I hate you, that I was gonna break up with you anyway. What they don't realize is that I'd have never dumped you. Who willingly throws away their happiness? But I think I'm just afraid. Afraid, that when spring comes around I'll fall all over again, but this time you won't catch me. I miss the old you who would catch me, who'd lay next to me in the grass and just talk about the most ridiculous things. The you who would dance in the rain and make dinosaur sounds with your toes. I miss all your silliness and how you'd do anything to make me laugh. I re-read some of our texts and I'd almost forgotten about that you, the one who called me beautiful and came up with the most witty complements. But you've changed and I could wish all day long otherwise but it wouldn't change a thing, your still a cheater and I'm still hurt. It's pathetic, really. But all of this is my truth. And I just thought you should know, I still love rain.

Do you?

Confused and in Love...

Alright so I'm not actually in love or anything but I didn't know what else to describe "this". But I'll just spend the majority of this post describing it, so here we go...

It was a Tuesday night, there was no school and I were at the last football game of the season. All in all, it had been an AMAZING night. I got to hang out with my best friend and I got to talk to J all night! And like all my other friends! I'm pretty sure J was even flirting with me... But he still has a girlfriend. He didn't talk to her at all last night and she's planning to break up with him. Because of me. And honestly I fell kinda bad about it even though I don't think I should. Should I? I mean I've never made a move on him, had meaningful physical contact, or even told him I like him. Plus, his girl friend is telling everyone I have "mental issues" and that I have to take like 8 pills a day! I mean I gotta give her props, it's creative! :P But shes also been calling me fat and a whore and things like this, which I'm know I'm not at all any of these things and I'm confident enough not to care but still, not cool. I just don't know how to feel because I also understand where shes coming from, I'd probably be doing the same thing if I was in her position. I'm just kinda starting to think J's not such a great guy anymore but I still really like him. :/ I mean if he treats his girlfriend like this how would he treat me if we go out? I can appreciate that nobody's perfect but maybe I can do better? But I still really, REALLY like him. :/ I'm just really confused about all of it. He's hilarious, and adorable and really nice to me but not to everyone else. I'm sitting here texting him and remembering why I started liking him but then I think of how he totally ignored his girlfriend to talk to me. She even started crying and I just kinda feel like a horrible person. Am I one?

Beauty Tip

So I saw this today and it's just the coolest thing ever!(: I'm not a huge fan of the eyebrow tricks just because I don't do anything to my brows. But I'm in LOVE with the face conturing and eye uses for it! What do you guys think?(:

Sammie

Cupids Got me in a Chokehold

Oh, this title is so creative! I deserve an award or something!

So you know J? Yeah, WELL GUESS WHAT!! He likes me!(: ahhhh I'm so excited! He and his girlfriend are supposedly gonna break up because she's sick of him, and cause he likes me! So I know this because my friend Yulu, who I love so incredibly much for this, was talking to J's best friend and was all like "Hey, you know who likes J right?" Ummm nope?" "Sammie!" "Ohhh yeah! He like freaking loves her! He really likes her. And he and his girl friend are about to break up!" Ahhhhh! And I wasn't 100% sure he liked me even after that. But you know my friend Annie who was talking to him Friday? Yeah well she apparently disnt tell me everything! J told her not to tell me this! But after she asked him that I'f he wasn't dating that girl, if he'd go out with me she asked if he liked me, and he said "yeah, but if you tell her ill deny it!" Why doesn't he want me to know? Cause he's a good boyfriend? Any ideas? :P But most importantly! He asked his gf if she wanted to wear his jersey for homecoming (Its a huge thing at my school) and she said no!! So should I ask if I can? Or should I ask this one guy who everyone keeps telling me to ask? I just don't know! HELP!(:

Oh and here's for the genius part of the title! So today was my last soccer game (with C-squad) and this game was the most chaotic I've ever played! Haha so first, I totally fouled this girl and felt pretty bad about it but the idiot refs we had decided not to calm this or anything else! I cleanly checked this girl, and then she decided to attack me! She grabbed my jersey, choking me in the process and I'm like "Woah!!!" And put my arms up, meanwhile she's like "Play until the whistle blows, BEEYOTCH!" So my coach takes me off the field before I strangle the chick, and while I'm off this girls crazy mother is screaming bout how I'm trying to start a fight and how I just about punched her daughter and my oh so horrible sportsmanship! Meanwhile my moms friend is screaming "You wanna go? Huh?! This is shit!!!" Ahaha I also hyperventilated, had a frog jump on me, dealt with this crazy ass coach and somehow all we did was tie! Well I think that was enough excitement for tonight.

So should I wear the jersey or ask the other kid?

I missed this

I never realized how much I've missed this feeling, you know the one where it's late at night and your just laying in bed giggling because this incredibly adorable boy with the most beautiful eyes, is texting you the most ridiculous things. But I won't tell you these things because you would think we need a little help! Ahaha(: I really didn't think I'd feel like this bout anybody but my ex because this means I really like them. But I really, really like J. He's adorable, funny, nice he's perfect! Well I mean he is a little shorter than me but hey, I am 5'7!! Haha well I guess there is another problem too. He kinda has a girlfriend... :/ I don't know but your middle schools but at ours their are certain relationships that you just know won't last and I know for a fact that this is one of them. But we'll just have to see what happens!(:

Boys, Boys, Boys!(;

Ahhhhhh!!! I'm so friggen happy right now!(: you remember how I told you about the unbelievably sexy J?(; ahaha well he just asked to hang out! I think he seriously likes me! Ahhhh I would love it so much if he'd just become my boy fraaand already!! He needs to dump his ugly ass girl friend (I'm sure shes actually really nice and she's not that ugly but I'm just competitive!) already and date meeee!(: we talked the whole time in PLTW (it's like technology) and it was so much fun! He has the cutest laugh EVER!(: oh gosh I really do sound boy crazy right now! Maybe L's right! XD

On a completely random note, we won our football game tonight! 57-7 or something! :P I also won my soccer game yesterday 6-0 which is like the 2nd time in a week that has ever happened to me!(:

I love my life so much!!!(;
Sammie

Kiss and... Lead?

I'm sure you saw this title and were just so intrigued you had to know, but it's not at all what you think! Haha Well I guess you'll see!(:

Let me start of with the positive:

Alright so I'm just a nerd like this and get excited about lame school things but I was one of 17 other students in my grade chosen to participate in this leadership seminar (Get the title yet?(; ) And I feel special!! Ahaha but that's tomorrow so I'll tell you how it goes, and I know it will be at least decent because i get free subway and that shits just friggen yummy!(:

Positive and Horrible:

L, (My best friend I talked about last post) invited me to go to a bonfire with her and H, and BOYS!! Well let me tell you this is nothing new for me but they hardly even talk to guys! So I'm like super excited for them! And I mean it's not like they're gay for each other or anything cause they do occasionally but.. yeah you get the point!(; Any way ill tell you more about that after it happens! But It's not all good here in Sammie's world... :/ So you know how L asked me to go? Well at first I knew I could go because she said its Saturday but then plans changed and it was on Friday. Well i have a soccer tournament Saturday morning and she sitting there just like oh skip it, screw responsibilities, JUST PARTY WOO HOO!!!! Okay so maybe no exactly like that!(; but pretty much, and i was like no way! I cant do that to my team, not cool. And then while im sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HER she goes 'Hey Katie wanna come to a bonfire with me and H?" Like what the hell! Is it just me or was that extremely rude? And Katie couldn't but... still! So I talked to Jake and he said we can do it Saturday, it didn't change a thing and im really starting to think she doesnt even want me to go, but she claims she does. But she keeps whining about how "she has to put make up on" and "Saturdays lame". Yeah Saturdays totally lame... WTH!! >:( Wow I didnt mean to make this a rant! XD But I just know. Do you guys think that was rude? Do I need new friends? Help....

This can not be a coincidence! XD

All Alone

Wow this blog is just so friggen depressing lately! Which is really weird cuz I'm an extremely happy person! Well I guess you'll see but lately, since July to be exact I have not been so cheerful but I'll save that for another post.

Well anyway, do you ever feel just so incredibly alone even when you surrounded by people? If you've seen one of my earlier posts you know I recently lost my best friend. Well now my other "best friend" is just kinda a huge bitch. Well at least lately anyway. I love the girl to death but lately I just kinda want to punch her in the face. We all hang out with a little group of people which is great and all but there's this one chick who whenever my bestie hangs out with her she's just NASTY to everybody. And then I get pissed and then the chick starts making the "her time of the month" jokes. Just shut your face hole already! -.- And my bestie keeps telling me how much she hates this girl for a million reasons but then they hang out the entire weekend and don't include any of us but I'm not even entirely sure I'd want to go! So I just feel lost. They don't understand me at all and I don't think it's to great of a friendship. I'm friends with almost every single person in our school yet I feel like I have no friends. Nobody that just gets it and I could kinda use that now. I just don't even know what to do...

I miss this...

Missing Out :/

Well here I sit, alone in my basement while everybody else is at the football game hanging out and flirting it up. Wanna know why? My MOM. Now this isn't a rare occurrence, my mom Is incredibly psychotic. I'm sure from that statement you can tell we don't get along. Well last week I wasn't allowed to go to the boys JV soccer game because I forgot to pick up a towel, and now I can't go to one of the 3 home football games because I was getting screamed at and got upset. Cool, just friggen cool. Ughhh I feel like I'm missing out on so much right now! :'(

Last Day of Summer

Wow, the post title really clashes with my blog name. Oh well!(;

First day of school tomorrow. Yay. -_- I don't want to go back. Ever. Haha(:

If you'll observe the image above, you'll see two teenage girls. A dirty blonde and reddish brunette. These two girls have been best friends since the third grade. They used to be inseparable, well until today that is. Because one has some serious issues and the other tried to be there for her. But she got pushed away, and insulted and scolded. That girl is me.

That's me and who used to be my best friend, it was an endless summer day, we had done each others hair and make up for fun, and we'd biked into town. But that's before she became the monster she is now. It kills me to say that but I don't know what else to say because that's the truth. She's anorexic, depressed, suicidal and very possibly bipolar. She's been like this for about 8 months. I did my best to be there for her but she didn't care. She blames me for her "bitchiness" and so do her parents. she picks fights with md over everything and insults me constantly. Shes almost never there for me and dosnt appriciated a thing I do for her. I relize I'm not perfect and I have my faults but I just had to tell somebody about hers because she dosnt relize she's not a great friend either. I finally told her I can't deal with this anymore, she called me a bitch and told me she wanted to slap me. I'm starting to think she was never a great friend but than I think back to all the memories we've made and how amazing those times were. Well I guess what I'm trying to say is did I make the right choice? :/

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Intro!(:

I'm laying here at 11:00 PM starting a new blog. I have a different one (ask if you want a link) and that one started as a journal but somehow turned into fashion and make up! But I figured I'll give it another try. So this will be all about my life that one started as a journal but somehow turned into fashion and make up! But I figured I'll give it another try. So this will be all about my life. It's pretty friggen dramatic, maybe a little too exciting. Haha anyway, I just thought this would be a cool wag of getting my story out there.