Some Friend

Carter's only seen me upset once. Said it scared him, reminded him of his dad. A quiet calm. I wish he could see me now. I qish he were here. Someone I used to call a best friend told me to kill myself tonight. Called me a two-faced hypocritical bitch. All because I reblogged a bring me the horizon quote. A while ago she said "No wonder your mom hates you. Holy shit bitch." I just kept thinking "but a real friend wouldn't do that" and I just kind of kept my distance. she decided to blame this on carter. He had nothing to do with it. But apparantly boycrazy and a shitty friend. All I talk about is carter and my parents and nobody wants to hear my annoying white girl problems. My parents already make me feel worthless but I guess she felt the need to join in. I get it already. I'm not good enough I FUCKING KNOW. I NEVER WILL BE OKAY I FUCKING GET IT.
. I get it. I'm

Summerrrrrr

Today was just amazing(: Went to Addies softball game, started lightning so me & Cart went in their car for the 20 minutes. Played canadian indie music, which was funny cuz I actually knew the songs!!! & he kept changing it sio we were like wrestling over the radio, also hilarious((: I met the kids he babysits for, they were adorable!! He works 10 out of the 14 days in the next 2 weeks :( After we went to get ice cream with nick, brian and janelle(: That was fun! Then we were just hanging out in his room and we got in a tickle fight ahaha it was so much fun((:

Late Night Thoughts

Keagan snapchatted me tonight. It was like a picture of his basement, idk why. I don't know why but he interests me. By that, I'm mean he's fascinating, I have absolutely, positively no interest in dating him. I love Carter so much, thats a frightning thought of dating Keagan. But I find him interesting. I don't understand the type of person that could leave with just 2 words. I don't understand how he could lie to me about that night. How I tricked myself into thinking he was great. I'm interested in what the hell I saw in him. I really don't get it.

You know what? I think I've finally realized something. I think I miss everyone because the way things end are never resolved. They're not nice endings with all the loose strings tied up, like in the books I read. They leave things unsaid. They leave me wondering what the hell the other person was thinking. Did they finally get sick of me? What was the final straw? Was it my messy hair? My wheezy laugh? My stupid jokes? Did all the things they thought were adorable months ago suddenly become annoying? Or was it me that got annoying, just all of me?

And you know what? This scares me. Whens Carter gonna get annoyed? What will be his last straw? He says that will never happen but nothing golden stays.

And thats a god damn shame.

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

I don't wanna be old. I don't wanna grow up. I hate this. I hate this so much. Maybe I'm overthinking, but you know what? I don't think I am. I went to a grad party tonight. Stayed for a bonfire. It was fun, kinda. Except they're all idiots. Every single one of them. They talked about drugs, smoking, drinking, all of it right in front of me as if it's nothing. As if this is a totally acceptable thing to do. And you know what? ITS REALLY FUCKING NOT. It's not okay. My god, somebody help these kids. You know the worst part? The one person I never would have ever thought would do pot, apparantly does. I look up to her so much, god it sucks. They told me "Sluts arn't people.". I about punched somebody. They talked about this one girl, she's apparantly a "slut". GOD I HATE THAT WORD. What if she's just like me? What if she's just lost? Misunderstood? Alone? Scared? What if when she's with someone that's the only time she feels wanted? Not useless for once, maybe even good enough. Just for a little. It's not okay, but god, what I would do to feel like that for even just a few minutes. Fuck, they were chewing tobacco right in front of me. He kissed his fucking girlfriend with it, thats absolutely disgusting. I'd slap Carter for that. I don't want it near me. I'll admit it. It scares me, okay? It really fucking scares me. I don't know how Kyle made it 4 years dealing with this shit. I don't know if I'm that strong. Oh, I hope to god I am, but I just don't know. Can't people just drink a lot of mountain dew? Remember those days? I do. I miss them, oh god oh god I don't want to grow up. I don't wanna go to high school. I don't want to see my classmates get pregnant. I don't wanna see them get "fucked up", "smashed", "gone". I wanna live under my rock, stay sheltered. I want to be better than all this. I don't wanna grow up.