Some Friend

Carter's only seen me upset once. Said it scared him, reminded him of his dad. A quiet calm. I wish he could see me now. I qish he were here. Someone I used to call a best friend told me to kill myself tonight. Called me a two-faced hypocritical bitch. All because I reblogged a bring me the horizon quote. A while ago she said "No wonder your mom hates you. Holy shit bitch." I just kept thinking "but a real friend wouldn't do that" and I just kind of kept my distance. she decided to blame this on carter. He had nothing to do with it. But apparantly boycrazy and a shitty friend. All I talk about is carter and my parents and nobody wants to hear my annoying white girl problems. My parents already make me feel worthless but I guess she felt the need to join in. I get it already. I'm not good enough I FUCKING KNOW. I NEVER WILL BE OKAY I FUCKING GET IT.
. I get it. I'm

Summerrrrrr

Today was just amazing(: Went to Addies softball game, started lightning so me & Cart went in their car for the 20 minutes. Played canadian indie music, which was funny cuz I actually knew the songs!!! & he kept changing it sio we were like wrestling over the radio, also hilarious((: I met the kids he babysits for, they were adorable!! He works 10 out of the 14 days in the next 2 weeks :( After we went to get ice cream with nick, brian and janelle(: That was fun! Then we were just hanging out in his room and we got in a tickle fight ahaha it was so much fun((:

Late Night Thoughts

Keagan snapchatted me tonight. It was like a picture of his basement, idk why. I don't know why but he interests me. By that, I'm mean he's fascinating, I have absolutely, positively no interest in dating him. I love Carter so much, thats a frightning thought of dating Keagan. But I find him interesting. I don't understand the type of person that could leave with just 2 words. I don't understand how he could lie to me about that night. How I tricked myself into thinking he was great. I'm interested in what the hell I saw in him. I really don't get it.

You know what? I think I've finally realized something. I think I miss everyone because the way things end are never resolved. They're not nice endings with all the loose strings tied up, like in the books I read. They leave things unsaid. They leave me wondering what the hell the other person was thinking. Did they finally get sick of me? What was the final straw? Was it my messy hair? My wheezy laugh? My stupid jokes? Did all the things they thought were adorable months ago suddenly become annoying? Or was it me that got annoying, just all of me?

And you know what? This scares me. Whens Carter gonna get annoyed? What will be his last straw? He says that will never happen but nothing golden stays.

And thats a god damn shame.

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

I don't wanna be old. I don't wanna grow up. I hate this. I hate this so much. Maybe I'm overthinking, but you know what? I don't think I am. I went to a grad party tonight. Stayed for a bonfire. It was fun, kinda. Except they're all idiots. Every single one of them. They talked about drugs, smoking, drinking, all of it right in front of me as if it's nothing. As if this is a totally acceptable thing to do. And you know what? ITS REALLY FUCKING NOT. It's not okay. My god, somebody help these kids. You know the worst part? The one person I never would have ever thought would do pot, apparantly does. I look up to her so much, god it sucks. They told me "Sluts arn't people.". I about punched somebody. They talked about this one girl, she's apparantly a "slut". GOD I HATE THAT WORD. What if she's just like me? What if she's just lost? Misunderstood? Alone? Scared? What if when she's with someone that's the only time she feels wanted? Not useless for once, maybe even good enough. Just for a little. It's not okay, but god, what I would do to feel like that for even just a few minutes. Fuck, they were chewing tobacco right in front of me. He kissed his fucking girlfriend with it, thats absolutely disgusting. I'd slap Carter for that. I don't want it near me. I'll admit it. It scares me, okay? It really fucking scares me. I don't know how Kyle made it 4 years dealing with this shit. I don't know if I'm that strong. Oh, I hope to god I am, but I just don't know. Can't people just drink a lot of mountain dew? Remember those days? I do. I miss them, oh god oh god I don't want to grow up. I don't wanna go to high school. I don't want to see my classmates get pregnant. I don't wanna see them get "fucked up", "smashed", "gone". I wanna live under my rock, stay sheltered. I want to be better than all this. I don't wanna grow up.

Thoughts

In that moment his face was lit with passion and it seemed as though he was thinking of absolutely nothing else. His eyes cast downward, eyelashes splayed against his cheek. As his fingers glide across the keys, I can only think thoughts of him. How much convincing it took to get him to play, his laugh as I call him out on his procrastination with irrelavent things. It's everything, just everything, about him that I find so irrisistably beautiful. My words will never hold the power to explain just exactly how I feel, no matter how hard I'm wishing they could as I scrawl them across the lines in hopes of one day remembering this. I hope I never forget how it feels to be wrapped in his arms without a single care, what its like to have moments where I'm fullheartedly content because I feel as though I may never have this again.

HVL & Sinister

We had the biggest meet of the season yesterday! Ran a 2:40, compared to last year... Thats HORRIBLE. But for this year its a pr! I'll be running the JH HVL meet this thursday, we'll see how that goes! I'm thinking I'll win cuz the fastest time I've seen so far was a 2:45! But anyway, the varsity one was just... Interesting... Within 20 minutes there was an ambulence there & a 20,000 dollar broken camera. The timing dude got smacked with a tent! Bleeding hand & a dislocated shoulder or something! It was due to the 25 freakin mph winds! Yeah, I ran in that!!!! It was FREEZING. Which actually ended up being ok cuz Cart was there & I got to cuddle with him, well, for the entire meet!(; It hailed, rained, sleeted & was sunny, weirdest thing ever! Grandma came & watched! She met Carter & said he seems like a nice fellow bahaha(: After my 800 I was EXHAUSTED so I just laid on the turf, then Cart laid next to me so we cuddled even more((: This chick accidently sprayed me with her water ahaha, it was hilarious(: I wanted him to kiss me so bad!! It woulda been perfect! I kinda kissed him on the cheek though(: We literally held hands the entire time, Cart likes to hold my hand all weird, it's hilarious(: I went to say "I don't like holding your hand eith my left hand" but he thought I said I don't like holding your hand!!! Ahaha it was hilarious! He always says things on accident & thinks I'm gonna get super offended (I never do though) and then he feels so bad, it's adorable! He kept accidently hitting my butt (I swear, they really were accidents HA) and he was like "Okay, I swear to god I'm not trying to! You probably think I'm some creepy pervert!", so funny!(: It was hilarious cuz hes just the wiggliest person I've ever met so I kept making fun of him for it(: Miller said he was really impressed with my race, I ran a 1:12 split! That was pretty cool too! The meet ran late, until 6:30, and I stayed the whole time & got a ride home with Cart. We celebrated mothers day/kyles birthday with my grandma & grandpa, we had that super good ice cream thing auntie lynne makes!(: Then I went to Carts to watch Sinister which I was SOOOO excited to see but it was a total dissapointment! Didnt scare me at all! The only scary part was when Nick snuck up the stairs & screamed, then I screamed and punched myself in the face... XD I laughed really hard though ahaha!(: I met his gf for the first time & I FEEL HORRIBLE. She has a lisp and I just wasnt really expecting it and I started laughing and she knew it was about that... Now it's my mission to get her to like me because I just feel so bad and that was the shittiest first impression ever! But I got to cuddle with Cart more during the movie!(: He kept tickling my leg (I'm crazy ticklish) and I would burst out laughing then he was like "I love your laugh" which was pretty much just the cutest thing ever. <3 And earlier he had also told me he loves holding my hand & that my hair is beautiful hehe((: I was like laying on his chest, listening to his heart beat and he was playing with my hair, which like gave me chills! It was the best feeling ever haha I could have stayed there forever, I was perfectly content. I got to spend like all day with him & it was just the most amazing thing ever, I'm so in love with him it's ridiculous. 

The New Me

Have you ever seen those girls holding hands with their boyfriend, or maybe wrapped in his arms? The ones that just look completely happy, like they don't have a care in the world? Have you ever wanted to be them just so incredibly bad but could never see that being you?

I have.

But the weird thing is, that IS me now.

Like, I wonder what I would think of myself if I saw me with Carter. Actually, I already know what I'd be thinking. "I want a relationship like that, I could never imagine that being me though..." But I honestly believe that could be anyone as long as theyre with the right person, I really do.

Why Him

The other night my mom asked me, "Why him?". She was wondering what attracted me to him, why I chose him. The weird thing was, I didn't know how to answer. The only thing I could think of was "Because he's Carter." I mean it's always been Cart, I can barely remember a time it wasn't. I knew the very day I saw him, he was something special. I comented to Liv how hot I thought he was. Then I got to know him, and that was the end of that! I was head over heels. I still can't explain to you why. Maybe it's the way he laughs, or maybe it's the way he holds my hand. The way he hugs, the way he gets excited over things like fruit pizza. Maybe it's because he's the pickest eater I've ever met, maybe he's clever and whitty. Bruttaly honest. For some crazy reason maybe it's because he loves math. Maybe it's because he's everything I love, hate, and want to be. Or maybe its juat because he reminds me of myself.

Or maybe it's just every little thing about him that I can't seem to get enough of. It seems I've fallen in love with his flaws, quirks & eveeything else. It's an incredible feeling.

Hangin Outttt

So I went to Carts tonight & it was seriously just the best thing EVER. I love this kid so much, it's ridiculous. He has the creepiest portraits of mother teressa and Jesus in his house I've ever seen and it scared the crap outta me, we laughed so hard over this, it was the best thing ever((: Teressa looked like a demented Ghandi!!! Apparantly he never realized how creepy they were ahah(: He felt my face. Ahaha thats so random. We were joking bout my afro cuz my hair was crazy & then we were joking bout my "hot" legs ahaha I was like burning but I couldnt complain cuz we were cuddling and that was definately enjoyable!(; I drew him some beautiful pictures on his ipad ahaha & he was playing his nerd game. HES A FRIGGEN GENIUS!! I didn't know like any of the questions!! He knew them all! I also met his like moms friemd, I think? She was morgans mom haha idk, Carter thought she'd had a couple beers, but she was really excited to meet me! Ahaha I have no idea how she even knew about me though! Nick was violent as usual, ha! Somebody sent these to letters to their house about how Nick was doing pot & sleeping over at his gf's house, BUT this person thought that cuz theyd seen these stupid tweets & these vines (which were actually quite hilarious) on 4/20 (national pot day or something) where he, his gf, and her friend had kitchen pots and were just being dumb and dancing with them! Ahaha(: It's super creepy though! I would be so wierded out if that happened to me! COLD & CLAMMY NEEDS SOME CANDY

Track Meets & Softball Games

It's been a while since I've written, sorry bout that! I guess I just dont know what to say. I don't know what I'll want to remember in the future. I don't know what I'll end up forgeting. So I guess I just describe the past 3 big events.

Stewartville Meet:
So we got there, me and Cart ran a warm up lap which I ran in boots, it's a lot harder than you'd think! Haha(: Then we did our warm ups which was really just us pretending to do warm ups ahaha(: He got really excited cuz he saw a fly! Then we did pretty much nothing for a while, we went over to pole vault & Eric broke his pole, then Nick was creeping everyone out and asking random people if theyd seen a red ball. Then he threatened to feed my cat to me and burn my house down... XD We were leaving when we saw Mikki *shudder* and she and her friend screamed "YOUR A TOTAL PIECE OF SHIT" at me I was just like "Thanks". Carter didn't even think they were talking to me at first then he was like "I've never even heard someome call somebody that before!!" ahaha(: I had to run my 4 X 8, which didnt go so well! Carter kept thinking they were saying spirit midley ha(: I was really tired so I was loopy, & we were talking to Josh about how this Anne Frank movie almost made me cry ha(: I got cold so me & Cart cuddled a lot ;D Devon awkwardly asked him if he liked me lol & Cart replied "Yes Devon, I like her very much, she's my girlfriend." haha((: Mom met his mom for the 1st time but didnt realize that it was his mom! Nick also called Peyton hot & said something bout losing his virginity?! Then we talked about his drugpants & I told him I wanna here his gf's lisp and he laughed and told me fuck you ahaha((: We also won our freshman 4 X 400 team of me, Jade, ashy-poo (Her 1st meet since acl!!!) and bekah! We got shirts and I was really excited bout it hehe(: theyre kinda ugly though! All in all it was a pretty great meet!

Softball game;
Oh man, this was a great day! So nothing really exciting happened at school (like usual). I got to track, talked to Cart, he was sick and he according to him sounded like a "dying elephant" ahaha but I thought it was cute(: So practice was just kinda whatever, but we got freezies for somebodys birthday! Apparantly Cart was cranky that day & it was funny cuz Kayla & Crystal were like "Fix him!!" ahaha(: But he really wasnt crabby, at least not to me! He left for piano, I went to Ashy-poo's house (I got subway, WHOOOO!) and I feel really bad cuz she has a bunch of crap going on with her stepsister :( But she's dating Grant again!(: Then we went to the game and sat in the dugout. Addie got excited to see me! I think she likes me! Haha WHOOO(: & everyone kept asking me where cart was lol (he was late cuz of piano) The LAURA showed up!! Blaahhh, she keeps texting Cart :( But he dosnt respond! YEAH!!(: I may or may not have been more cuddly cuz she was there... ;P And ALLEE's friends were
there!! Ha! They kept staring at me, it was pretty funny!

Over Thinking

I over think everything. Seriously, everything. I hate it so much. I do it with Cart all the time, and I just make myself upset for absolutely no reason. It's stupid. I think I'm just really afraid of getting hurt so this time around I'm looking for the very first sign of trouble. When I read this sometime in the future I want to remember how I feel so I'll write a note:

Dear future me,
I don't know when your reading this. Maybe your still dating, maybe not. But I don't wan't you to hate him. Ever. No matter what happens, keep him in your life. He actually really cares about you. Genuinely cares. I've forgotten what that feels like, its something you shouldn't ever forget but I guess that's what happens when you pick "friends" like me. So no matter what, keep him around, life is just better.
Also, your relationship has never been perfect. It never will be. But seeing what happened between Ashlyn & Grant, or Brett & Maddie, especially Karlyn & Elijah, it's something really good. He has a heart uncomparable to any of those guys and thats not something to waste. This relationship is just something really, really good. So cherish every moment of it you can. Laugh as much as you can, kiss often, I don't care. Just please stay happy. I couldn't stand feeling like that anymore.

One Of Those Nights

Do you ever have one of these nights? Where you just get all sad for seemingly no reason at all? I was just kinda thinking that Carters the only good thing in life lately. I feel like I should be just overwhelmingly happy, and sometimes I am, I guess, but all the other bad things in life are starting to overshadow his good. I mean life at home, well thats just been hell. I had a complete breakdown on sunday. I just really couldnt do it anymore and I honestly dont think I can handle them screaming at me one more time. I couldnt stop crying for hours and I jest kept mumbling "I cant do this anymore, I cant..." Yet my parents still had the odascity of nagging at me while I was like that. They wouldnt leave me alone. It made it even worse. And I guess I've just finally realized my friends don't give a shit about me. None of them do. I care about so many people, I really do yet it seems as if nobody else can seem to care about me. My friends dont realize how bad it's gotten. I'll never be able to forget all the things Liv said to me, Jessie's starting with the whole I-got-a-boy-so-now-imma-be-super-secretive thing, Maroos just going on with her drama as are all the rest of them. I guess it's the same as always I've just started looking at it in a new light. I'm starting to think I'm not okay. I'm just really not okay.

Track(:

So school suck so bad, I HATE my classes! My pltw teachers INSANE, he's just crazy!! And then I've been learning how to sew buttons for 2 weeks!

Well anyway, today was just super amazing! Track was super fun! We had an easy workout then I got to talk to Cart like the whole time(: He was suppose to leave but then he didnt want to ha!(: He finished his work out and then came and sat next to me. I was doing bands and Miller was making fun of me! Ha(: I can't remember what I said but it made Carter laugh really hard and he was like "Oh, Amanda..." Then Nick came over and asked me if I was going out to eat with them tomorrow, which the answer is yes!! I'm seriously so excited! ...But watch me like choke on food and die... Then he asked if Hailey could come which was funny cuz Cart said no! Lol then Myran came over and took a pic of them (its hilarious, I'll post it later) and asked them what both of theyre favorite foods were and they said potatos! Haha Carter dosnt like bacon!! So then we started talking about canadian bacon, and then Nick got violent and was beating him! Ahaha then Nick wanted to leave so we went to Carts locker and we saw Andy who was like "Hey Carter, guess who'll be in the highschool next year!" and Cart like pointed at me and andy was like "YEAH!" It was super random haha(: Then we radomly walked around for a while and talked to Shelby! It was fun! But then I needed to go to the middle school so they just gave me a ride, and I made him laugh really hard cuz I said something about wanting to be deathly ill instead of going to this gay ass retreat this weekend. I wasnt even kidding... This will be 2 days spent with bitches from hell and weirdos with a "wacky prom" , yeah I'm not fucking kidding... And I have to miss Kyles senoir prom for it!! Speaking of Kyle it was hilarious because earlier I was watching a movie called Coach Carter, which I didnt even think about! Ahaha but Kyle was giving me so much crap for it, it was hilarious but it was a really great movie! And now I'm extremely happy cuz Carter just told me he might kiss me tomorrow and I want that more than I've ever wanted anything else. We'll see what happens!(:

The Question

He asked me out, finally!(: I was at practice and we were just talking to Olivia, Christy and Thomas, and Carter goes "Hey, come out in the hall with me?" So I said sure of course and Thomas goes "Im bored so imma come with you guys!" haha it was hilarious cuz Carter was just like "Oh no... You stay here..." and then we went out in the hall and he goes "So, can I officially call you my girlfriend?" and I'm like "Yes!!" and it was funny cuz Savannah and her friend were right behind us! But she kinda new what was happening ahaha but then we just kinda talked more and before I had to warm up he says he wants a hug so I gave him one and loved every second of it... But then I got hit by a door... HA(: Everyone was freaking out and theyre all really happy for me! Im literally so happy, its just crazy. Hes perfect.

Track Meet Number Uno

Well the running was hell but I got to hang out with Cart all day so it was great. I love how comfertable I am around him. Its great(: So he wasnt running because of a previous hamstring injurie, but he was with me pretty much the whole time! When I ran the first 4X800 me and Jade had the worst hand off ever but we still got 2nd! Sierra beat me and my time was shit though. He and his entire family were cheering for me!(: And I literally could not breathe and my mouth had no moisture at all in it! But I got a hug from him so it was great! We then could not find anywhere to go cuz we kept getting in the way so we talked to Mariah for a while. We went to fill my water bottle and I saw Adam and I was like "Hey, hows your mom?!" cuz they day before he and Ben had been kidding that she died but I sounded totally rude if you didnt know bout the joke AND SHE WAS RIGHT THERE. Ahaha me and Cart practically died laughing but I felt so bad! Then we went to walk over the track and I didnt see this runner and he like put his arm around me!(: We then actually found a place to sit and we talked for a while bout just random stuff. Then there were some PI girls sitting behind us and I heard them talking about piano and I told him I really wanna hear him play! He turned all red ;P And then one of the girls said she new how to play Miserable at Best, and without even thinking about it I say "Im sorry, but that song is amazing!!" It was hilarious and he couldnt believe I said that ahah(: He also hates when people tan! Lol well then I had to go run again and I reaaally didnt want too but I made him give me a really long hug before I did, although he didnt want to stand up! Haha so I went and lined up it was all normal, until I completely fucked up the start and this chick was in my lane and I forgot about the 3 step thing! I was so embarrassed! But I actually ran pretty well, dropped 3 seconds AND PLACED IN SECOND!! It was really funny cuz Miller and David were cheering for me like idiots! Haha but then afterwards Carter met my parents which actually was a lot less weird than I thought it'd be! Overall it was just amazing!(:

Easter

So today was Easter, it was pretty normal. The Smith's came over, I got kinda bored. Ehhhh. But heres where it gets interesting, so I'm texting Cart and he goes "Addie had a great idea!(:" So I asked him what it was and he said it's that I should come over, so well, I did!!(: My mom was giving me shit bout him breaking my heart or something? Idk but then anyway I rang the doorbell haha he opened the door it was kinda weird at first, but then I said hi to his parents, god they're so cool! haha they really didn't say anything, just small talk! It was like it was totally normal for me to be there! then we pretty much just talked the whole time but it was amazing!! I made him laugh really hard, I love when that happens(: Addie was in there for a while, but at the end it was just us. He never asked me out! But tomorrow apparantly hes gonna! Im also officially in love with his dogs! Beau and Sophie! Theyre the cutest things ever! Beau kept licking my face, it was adorable! And he later told me at one point he was just staring at my lips! Carter, not the dog.... Ahaha I can just already tell this is gonna be so much better than last summer!(: Im so happy right now, he's just perfect! This is actually the first time I've ever been to a guy I like's house! Its was nerve wracking but amazing!(: