Lonely

Damn, it's just been one of those days. I had a great day until after practice. Slept in, soccer went great! Had some amazing shots, got 3rd in World Cup, it was great! Then i see that my "bestfriends" didnt invite me to hang out with them...cool. Then I get home and ask Jessie if she possibly wants to have a sleepover and my parents decided to be douchebags and wouldn't give me a 2 minute ride to her place and she gets mad at ME. Like, what the hell?! And then she's starts making bitchy comments and telling me all the shit her parents say and I'm just pissed so I was just like "I'm really not in the mood for bitchy comments right now..." And then she's mad because her parents plan their days around me (WTF?!) and that i make half ass plans ALL THE TIME. (Yeah... No) And that I'm being get this... MEAN. I'm sorry, but is there something fucking wrong with you?! I'm mean because I don't want her to tell me all the shit her parents say about me? Yup, I'm cruel. GOSHH.

I just feel kinda lonely lately I guess. Olivia's been hanging out with mikki and is a totally different person, Christy argues EVERYTHING I say, Jessie, well you know what she's been doing, and I guess I don't really hang out with my other friends. Then just to fuck up my life even more, I've been seeing my ex-boyfriend almost everyday and it's just making me really miss him. *sigh* The struggle is real guys, the struggle is real.

Fuck You.

Right now, I'd like to beat you with a fucking chair. Repeatedly.

Seriously, fuck you. Fuck you for making me feel this way. For making me feel used and like this was all pretend. You bastard. Fuck you for making me feel worthless. You never text me anymore. Yeah, that's cool... I'm always the one making an effort to talk to you. And now I find out you've been telling me the same exact shit you told her? At least you made me feel special for a while. I feel like when you couldn't get her back you decided you wanted me. I'm no second choice. I have so much more self respect than her. I deserve so much more. I will not have "love" if it doesn't come with respect. Yet, I still won't dump you. I know that, I'm too forgiving of a person. I did it with Jessie and ill sure as hell do it with you. Sometimes I hate being nice. God, I can do so much better than you. By tomorrow I prolly will be completely and hopelessly in love again but for now I'm just gonna keep on listening to Ron Pope and rant about shit on the Internet. You know what? It's decided. I'm not gonna make a single effort to talk to you tomorrow. Not one! I will not text you first. I will not walk up to you and start a conversation. Nope, and if there's a single lull in the conversation so help me I will sit on my phone and start texting. JUST. LIKE. YOU. Honestly, I just wanna see if you notice. Hell, I just wanna see if you care. You probably won't...

Notice any resemblance? Grrr....

You Just Don't Get it...

I don't think you understand, not in the least. You don't get how much I like you. You just don't understand how you make me feel. How when I'm around you I'm different. How nervous you make me, I think I make you nervous too. You were helping me on a project one day and you were shaking. You said you always shake but I know that's a lie. I hope that means you like me in the same way I like you. And now we're dating. The first week and a half you were perfect. I couldn't ask for a more amazing boyfriend. Its middle school and relationships are nothing like real-world ones here but this is slightly ridiculous. You havn't complimented me in days, and I don't mean to sound like an attention whore but that's just not normal for you. You didn't text me all weekend because you were hunting...But you texted Markayla. I get jealous sometimes but that's because I'm so afraid to lose you. I feel like your just so out of my league. Wow thats cliche, but its true. Your one of the most popular guys in your grade and I kind of hang out with the losers of mine. I know that sounds horrible, but its true and I love those losers to death, but I still worry how it affects my reputation. Unlike Allee who's one of the most popular in her grade. I know I'm more liked than her, I'm popular in that way I guess but its not the same. Sometimes you bring her up and it pisses me off. You know I don't like her and would rather not talk about her. Mixed signals should be illegal, and by that law you should be prosecuted and sent to jail because you send the worst mixed signals I've ever seen.You don't understand how this makes me feel. Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell myself what I was getting into before I fell for you. Your so amazing but then your just...not. You insult me, but then say your kidding 10 minutes later. I wouldn't know that though because you never show any hints of humor. I used to love texting you but now you kind of piss me off. Guess who always has to text you first. You are so much fun to talk to in person but you occasionally ignore me and just screw around with your friends. God, I sound clingy but I dont mean it like that. I just hate to be ignored. I know you'll never see this. I hope you don't anyway. I wish I could find a way to tell you all this without sounding like a bitch. I doubt you'd understand. I just hope you get that I am NOT Allee, I will not put up with bullshit. I'm afraid that you'll start liking someone else. It happened with Carter and I bet it'll happen with you. I miss the old us. How you'd tell me you love me because of who I am and how beautiful I am inside and most defiantly on outside. I love you so much. If you read this and you only remember one thing I need it to be this. I love you so much it scares me because the last time I felt this way that dumb ass broke my heart and I can see it happening again. Can you comprehend how you just turned one of the most confident girls into a sloppy pile of mushy insecurities? Maybe I just miss the old me. Do you understand that? I really hope so...